Open Joke Competition (results)

Well here they are! The results of our first ever Open Joke Competition. Thanks to all who contributed. In true socialist Awami League style there are no winners; everyone is equally a loser!:

Theres a Russian, a Cuban, a Pakistani and an Awami League Beggar on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says ‘theres plenty more of that where i come from’.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says ‘theres plenty more of those where i come from’.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Pakistani stands up and throws the Awami League Beggar off the train…..

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There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, “I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter.”
So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter.”
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy, an Awami Leaguer, decided he would be the best. So he said, “God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.”
So God made him a Pakistani.
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God greeted two newcomers to heaven. One was a Jamaat-e-Islami preacher, the other was a secularist Awami Leaguer . He ushered the preacher to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the ALer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.
“I don’t understand,” the Awami Leaguer puzzled. “That man was a preacher, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you’ve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?”
“Sir,” said God, “We’ve had lots and lots of Jamaatis here. But you, sir, are our very first Awami Leaguer!!.”

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Why did the Awami Leaguer have shit in his wallet?
For I.D
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What’s so good about an Awami League blowjob?
You know she’ll swallow.
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A copper in Whitechapel stops an Awami Leaguer leading a cow down the street. He asks “What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?” The Awami Leaguer says “I am taking it home to keep it in my house” The copper asks “What about all the flies and shit?” The Awami Leaguer says “It will just have to get used to them.”
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why do Awami Leaguers smell ?
So blind people can hate them to

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Two whites were captured by a tribe of Awami Leaguers. The tribe go “You have trespassed on our land, you must be punished. You can either be punished by “Bogga Bogga”, or death”.
So, the first guy goes “AWWW… I don’t want to die, so I’ll take Bogga Bogga”. Anyway, the Awami League tribe rape the man, and then let him go.
The second guy is disgusted, and says “I’ll take death!”. So the leader of the Awami Leaguer tribe goes “OK. You are sentenced to death… by Bogga Bogga!”
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How do you kill 100 files in one shot?
Slap an Awami Leaguer on the face
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A moderate secularist Awami Leaguer walks into an off-licence and asks “Please recommend to me your finest port”
Shopkeeper says “Southampton – fuck off”
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How do you circumsize an Awami Leaguer ?
Kick his sister in the chin!
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What is black & brown and looks good on an Awami Leaguer ?
A Doberman.
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You’re looked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler & an Awami Leaguer . You have a gun with only 2 bullets. what do you do?
Shoot the Awami Leaguer twice to make sure he is dead
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A white man walks into a pub in Whitechapel, totally shattered, screaming “All Awami Leaguers are shitheads”.
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It’s a bloody lie !”
The white guy asks, “Why? Are you an Awami Leaguer “?
He replies proudly, “No. I’m a shithead.”

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What do you have when an Awami Leaguer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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A Jamaati and an Awami Leaguer get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Awami Leaguer says, “Hai Ram! What a wreck!” The Jamaati asks him, “Are you all right,?” The Awami Leaguer responds, “Just a little shaken.” The Jamaati pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.” The Awami Leaguer takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” the Jamaati says, “I don’t know what you’re gonna be telling them. But I’ll be telling them I wasn’t the one drinking.”
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What is the difference between a musician and Faisal Gazi’s dead relatives’ body? One composes and the other decomposes.
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to Faisal Gazi’s wife kneeling at a grave. She seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached her and said, “Madam, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?”

Faisal Gazi’s wife took a moment to collect herself, then replied,
“My husband’s first wife”
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Little Abdul was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour Faisal Gazi peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Abdul?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Abdul tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

Faisal Gazi was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Abdul patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid dead relative.”
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A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new
business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere Faisal Gazi’s relatives funeral is taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”
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The wife of Faisal Gazi’s dead relative is very upset as her husband had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Babu was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with her husband before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Mr Gazi is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker “Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”.

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears….

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads”

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Why did Faisal Gazi’s uncle ask to be buried at sea? Because before he died, Faisal Gazi told him he wanted to dance on his grave.

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During the 1971 war a Jamaati , a Bihari and Faisal Gazi’s relative were sentenced to death by firing squad. The Jamaati was taken from his cell and as the Pakistani soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The Bihari was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” and escaped. Faisal Gazi’s relative was then lead out. The squad took aim and Mr Gazi, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”

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Following the death an Awami League official is calling on Faisal Gazi’s mum to pay a condolence call the day after Faisal Gazi’s relative has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the AL member discovers her in the bedroom room making love to a Pakistani soldier.”Mrs Gazi”, says the man, “Your brother just died yesterday!!” She looks up and says, “In this grief, do you think I know what Im doing? ”
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If a man was born in Dacca, grew up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is he? Dead.
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What was the last thing Mr Gazi ate before he died? He bit the dust.
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A Jamaati, a Pakistani soldier, and Faisal Gazi’s relative all die and end up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets them there and says “It’s good to have you here, but we’re a little over crowded today. You’ll each have to answer 1 question before I can let you in.” Peter turns to the Jamaati and says “What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank in the early 1900s?” The Jamaati, smiles and says “That’s easy. The Titanic.” Peter lets him in. Then he turns to the Pakistani soldier and says “How many people died on the Titanic?” The mujahid says “Well, that’s a tricky one, but luckily I just saw the movie, so I know. 1500.” Peter lets the Pakistani soldier in, too. Then Peter turns to Faisal Gazi’s relative and says “Name them.”

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40 Awami Leaguers showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission. St. Peter had never seen 40 Awami Leaguers at the same time, and didn’t know quite what to do. “Wait here,” he said, “I have to go consult.” He hurried to the Throne. “Lord,” he said, “There are 40 Awami Leaguers standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?” God said, “True, it is an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality test, and admit the five highest scores.” St. Peter headed back to his post. A minute later, he came running back to the Throne. “They’re gone! They’re gone!” he shouted. “Do you mean to say all 40 of them just up and left?” God asked. “No, no!” said Peter. “It’s the pearly gates! They’re gone! They’re gone!”
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A reporter went to hell and saw two long lines of Awami Leaguers. Over one line was a sign which read “For Awami Leaguers Who Were Dominated by their Indian masters.” The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, “For Indians Who Dominated Awami Leaguers,” but there was only one man in that line.
Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, “Sir, could you tell me why you’re the only one in this line for “For Indians Who Dominated Awami Leaguers,”
“Sure,” the other man responded, “India told me to stand here.”
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A businessman from Sylhet went on a business trip to Dubai. Upon arrival, he sent a short letter back home to his wife, Mrs Gazi,.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he miswrote the addrees and the letter and the ended up going not to his wife but to Mrs Gazi of Dacca the wife of Faisal Gazi’s relative who who had just been killed and was buried a few days ealier. Mrs Gazi took one look at the letter and promptly fainted.
It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”
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I went out into the garden and, to my horror, Faisal Gazi’s uncle was slumped on the grass.
The fucking dog had dug him up again.
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Did you hear about the Tesco van running over a family of Awami Leaguers?
Every little helps!
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How are dead Awami Leaguers like polystyrene cups?
They’re both disposable
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General Tikka Khan: It’s amazing how long people can hold a grudge for. I had my school reunion last night. Most of them still haven’t forgiven me for the gun massacre.
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Someone just walked over Faisal Gazi dead uncle’s grave.
Then again, I suppose I should just start calling it the patio like everyone else
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I still remember the last thing that Faisal Gazi’s dead relative said to me…

“What the fuck are you doing with that hammer?”

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I was visiting Faisal Gazi’s uncle in hospital because he has a wounded leg.

The doctor said, “Can you describe what happened please.”

I said, “Well, he got shot.”

He said, “You’ll have to be more accurate.”

I said, “I know, but I’m not very experienced with guns.”
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I’ve spent two years looking for Faisal Gazi’uncles killer…..
But no one will do it.
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“Daddy, why is Faisal Gazi’s uncle zig-zagging down the garden?”
“Quiet son, I’m trying to aim.”
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Three men died in a car accident and met God in heaven.
“I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth you will enter heaven, but if you lie … hell is waiting for you,” God told them.
To Faisal Gazi’s dead relative God asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
Faisal Gazi’s dead relative replied, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.”
God replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.”
To the second man God asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The second man replied, “I cheated on my wife twice.”
God replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.”
To the third man God asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The third man replied, “I cheated on my wife about eight times.”
God replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple of hours later, the second and third men saw Faisal Gazi’s dead relative crying his eyes out.
“Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!”
Faisal Gazi’s dead relative replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago riding a skateboard!”

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This entry was posted in 1971 war, Open Joke Competition, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Open Joke Competition (results)

  1. Faisal's Dead Relative says:

    ”A Good Death Is A Slow One”

    Like

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