Spittoon’s Guide to Ramadan

As Muslim around the world are celebrating Eid, Spittoon Watch would like to wish you all Eid Mubarak! May the Almighty accept all our ibadah. Ameen!

This Eid follows the 30 day fast of Ramadan which Muslims have been observing in the same manner for over 1400 blessed years– something that has upset the heretics over at Spittoon who, in keeping with orders from their masters, have devised a new fiqh of Ramadan

Eating

Traditionally it is forbidden for a Muslim to eat in Ramadan during the time between sunrise and sunset. This also applies to things like smoking.

Spittoon’s Abu Faris shows what Muslims should do during Ramadan:

Drinking

Just as it is forbidden to deliberately eat during the hours of Ramadan , drinking is also prohibited.

However under Spittoon’s new heretical Ramadan, Muslims MUST drink during the day and in fact must drink alcohol. It’s even more commendable to do with your left hand:

Women

During this blessed month  many Muslim sisters take the opportunity to start practicing the obligation of wearing hijab.

However regardless of what Our Creator says, Spittoon says that hijab is bad for us, so under the new fiqh Muslim women should not wear hijabs and instead should be fasiqas like Spittoon and the Henry Jackson Society’s Houriya Ahmed.

Sexual Relations

Likewise spousal sexual relations are forbidden during the fasting hours of Ramadan. This is far far too old fashioned for the modern hipsters at Al Spittoon, so they’ve devised a new rule: You MUST have sexual relations during fasting hours, ideally with someone who isn’t your spouse. Spittoon’s head munafiq Faisal Gazi shows how it’s done:

How was it for you?